Officially over...

I ended the relationship, ignored his calls, his texts, and his voicemail. He didn't contact me all that much anyways. I missed him so I contacted him. I called him way more times than he did, as well as texting, and he's ignoring me. I guess I can't blame him, right? If I was the one who was rejected, I can understand where he's coming from. It's that, or he has moved on with another. I hope not... that would make me so mad. I would flip shit! I'm not trying to think about that though. I'm trying not to think about him.

Even though we've been through so much together, all the time we spent together and all that. I have to get over it. I have to move on and focus on my academics. I'm already starting a new chapter in my life after all these years, and he's starting to become my past. He was just one of the guys that I went out with. The difference between him and other guys is that I cared for him. I put my feelings and emotions on the line for him, while with other guys, I drew the line. With him it was different and it's a shame that we lost something special. It's about time though.

I don't think we were making each other 100% happy, I would say maybe 70%. Yeah, we had our flaws, we pissed each other off, fought over petty shit, didn't have much to talk about whenever we were alone or do the little things just for me. But I know he was a keeper. He loved me for who I was. I didn't have to try, he loved me more than I loved him, and for that, it was worth it. It was worth it for me to take that leap with him. I could trust him because I know he wouldn't cheat on me. He did keep me happy for the most part, but there were also really bad times. We pulled through though, and each and every time, our relationship gets that much stronger.

I haven't felt anything like this, not the way that I've ever felt for another guy. These feelings for him are very real and I made sure he knew that I was serious with him, and he agreed. It's no longer like that now though.

I can't help, but to think about him... him and other girls doing things together. It sickens me, it pisses me off, and it makes me very depressed. It pisses me off even more that he is willing to let us go. Yeah it was my idea, but I'm starting to see it as a mistake. I shouldn't though, because there were so many negatives in the first place, so in a way it's the best for us that this is over. Am I willing to give it another shot? Maybe... but I don't think I would want to. If it's not going to work the first time, the 2nd time, or the 3rd time, most likely it's not going to work out at all in the long run.

I may be feeling the way I do now, but I'll be ok soon. I wonder if he knows that I loved him and if he knew that I really tried to keep us going. It's not going to seem so to him, for the fact that I was the one who threw us away.

What is it about not knowing what you really got until it's gone? So gay!

I might not be the best person out that, but I'm a good catch. I see it as he missed out. I don't know why I'm feeling like that. I mean, I was the one who was bitchin about everything. My other entries talked about ending it, I think... so it's over, why am I being like this? At least I was the one who called it off.

I don't think I ever want to get to this point ever again. Not for a long time...This shit hurts.

I dun know, fuck this for now...

fcuk him

I did it!

I broke up with my boyfriend Thursday night. We were only together for 5 months, but we were friends for a year before we decided to give it a try. Do I miss him? Yes, I do. I don't think I would if this was a couple of months ago, just because of time? I guess the longer we were together, our feelings for each other were deeper. In those 5 months, we probably broke up with each other every week, but we would just say it, we didn't really mean it. We didn't take it that seriously, because in the end, we would always make up a couple of hours later. It was much more out of anger.

In the end, we knew that we just couldn't let each other go because we were fighting over something stupid. We were both too stubborn to let each other win, there weren't any major problems. Nothing dealing with infidelity or anything, really. But now, there is a reason to end it. The same reason that I've talked about a few posts ago. It may be stupid, but I don't think it is. Our relationship was changed to long distance due to my problems, and all we had was the phone. We don't see each other, we are 4 hours away, and I don't drive. My parents don't know about him, he has no place to stay when he comes to visit. There's just nothing, and he goes out everynight, to his frat house, to party with his bros.

I know he's not cheating on me... don't ask me how I know. I just know, ok? No, I'm not in denial. He's just not really a phone person. He doesn't text or call me when I ask him to. I came back home 2 months ago, so the last time that I saw him, was last week, but the time before that was a month and a half ago.

So since Thursday, he only called me a total of 10 times and a total of 4 text messages in my inbox. I don't listen to my voicemail so I don't know if he had left any messages, but his text messages were just questions like if I was still ignoring him, if I was still mad... that's he's depressed. Some fcukin shit like that. I don't know, call me a GIRL, but I don't think he's trying hard enough.

Maybe he's taking this as a joke, or not taking me seriously at all, since we do fight a lot. But even if we argued, we never spend MORE than a day NOT talking to each other. I've been straight up ignoring him and not picking up his calls. I think he expects me to go back to him and pretend like nothing happened. He expects us to be together again and thinks it's a joke. He's not taking it seriously, and I don't know if that's a sign to end it altogether.

I do miss him. We love each other... and he's the first guy that I've ever been for real about. I went out with guys, but I didn't care much about them. I knew when they were getting too close and I usually end the relationship if it was getting too deep for me. Yeah, I can't commit... ain't that a shame? But this dude, yeah, we only went out for 5 months, and it wasn't until a couple of months ago that we had a serious talk about us. That is when I decided that I can't let this guy go, and that I'm willing to let myself go. Go with the moment and enjoy it. I did, I have...

But since we haven't been seeing each other lately, I feel like I'm sacrificing my happiness for him. I'm doing all the work, and it doesn't seem like he's doing anything. He can't even talk to me on the phone like that. And I'm saying less than 90 the whole day. That isn't a lot of time to me, sorry. I need texts... i need phone time, everyday, everynight, when we fall asleep. YES, EXTREME, but I'm not even getting half of that. I'm not expecting 5hrs a day total, just near that...

Now that it's over, I feel lonely, and single. He doesn't seem to care. I'm home, thinking about him, while he's out, at his frat house, partying. Now I don't even know if he is gonna hook up with another girl. I guess I should give him more credit, but shit happens. I don't know.

With other dudes, if I end the relationship, I can easily get them out of my system. I'm able to not think about them or go back. It's like, if I made up my mind, it's hard for me to change my mind. It's not spur of the moment when I end things with them. I think about it before I do it. But not this one, it was kind of like spur of the moment. I just did it, without thinking about it clearly because it just irritated the fuck out of me. I warned him, I gave him chances, and each time, he fucks it up. He didn't even have to do much! I was already his, he didn't have to shit... but he still managed to fcuk it up.

I want it to end because I can't let him hurt me all the time and I can't argue about the same shit over and over again. It's just too retarded. But if he sent me like 20 texts and if I wake up to 50 missed calls from him, then yah, I might go back to him, and let him "change." He didn't though... so I guess he doesn't care. I don't know, I don't know what's best for me. I just miss him a lot, and if it doesn't work out, I'm gonna be single...

SINGLE... do you know how fcukin long I haven't been single for? I don't think you even want to know. Iono... I had bad relationships, and lately, one after the other, I just tell myself that I don't want to be in a relationship anymore. But these guys convince me otherwise. That they're different, and blah blah blah... so yeah, I gave them a chance. I made that mistake TWICE, including this one. I know people say it's just a phase, and that I'm not serious. That in time, eventually I would.. but of course I would eventually... but I'm not gonna be in a serious relationship for a very long time. I had 4 long term relationships... and each of them fcuk me up in various ways.

SO fcuk being taken, I wanna be single! Even though I'll feel lonely as fcuk, but at least I get to work on myself.

whatever, I fuckin miss him...

Gullible

Do you believe everything people tell you whenever you ask them a question yourself... like asking for someone's name or their age? They lie to you, you believe them, and then they can't believe you believed them. Then they tell you that you're so gullible... WTF!

Yeah, some people say I am gullible, because I do believe them easily, unless their answer's really out there, then durh, of course they are fucking with you. There are a lot of people out there, especially the ones who roll 25 peepz deep, like to fuck with your head. I guess they want to see how dumb you are, or it's their own entertainment, or trying to show off to...  which I personally think is pretty returrrrded.

So what does that have anything to do with anything? Well, it pisses me off that people just think I'm gullible, and usually when someone thinks you're gullible, they pretty much think you're stuupppiiiidddd... di di di... returded... ditzy, etc. And then I get offended, cuz to me, it's disrespectful. I might not be the smartest person in the whole fcukin world, but I sure know I'm not dumbest, so don't test me. I'm not one of your fcukin guinea pigs or like any of your idiot friends who think you're a comedic genius.

Yeah, it might come off as I'm gullible, that I do believe whatever you say, whenever I, let's say, ask for your age. Now, if you told me you were 45, when you are rocking A&F or Ecko, that's probably, a given, that I don't believe you. But let's say you gave me a age that I personally think you can pull off. I nod, and just say something nice, like, " wow, you don't look insert age" And then what? He/she laughs at you for believing them and they be like, "Oh, I was just fcuking with you, you're so gullible."

Ok, first off, sometimes, well, most of the time, I just don't care what your answer is, or what you're telling me. As soon as I ask you a question, I'm usually trying to make conversation, so the situation wouldn't be as awkward. So when I ask you a question, and before you even answer, I've already zoned out on you. Yes, zoneddddd the fuck out. I'm already thinking of something else. I'm looking at the sky, or looking around, checking out your friends, checking out the guys, where we are, observing our surrondings, etc. I'm paying attention, just 50% of the time. You tell me and I forget, or I just don't hear it. Unless it's important, you're important, or someone I'm interested in getting to know, or somewhere along those lines. Other than that, if I just met you, or don't even know you like that, I don't really care what you say. Then to respond to what you were saying, to be nice, I'll nod, smile... and act like whatever you said deserved a metal. I guess, I'm just good like that.

What happens after that?! They bring the, "I was kidding," "You're so gullible," "Syke," etc bullshit. And what am I supposed to say? I can't say that I wasn't listening or say I didn't actually care, I had to go with it, and just bitch at them in my head... right? It is rude, but hey, whatever.. =p

Secondly... even though, I was ignoring you, paying attention to things that are far more important than you... or zoning out on you. Why would you lie? Why would you fuck around like that? Fcuk With someone's head? You can't just the question truthfully? I mean, how straight forward is the question? It's not a trick question or a riddle. I'm asking where the person's from, and I get Chile. If they look like they might be from Chile, why the fuck shouldn't I believe them? The world is so big out there... I'm chinese, and there are plenty of chinese peepz who were born in Brazil or Latin America. Yes, they'll speak spanish, chinese, and english fluently. There are chinese peepz who were born in Russia, who speak Russian fluently, yet they look so chinese! I'm speaking first hand here. I'm chinese and there's a shitload of us and I've met quite a few people...

I thought I was well-rounded, cultured, and I am open-minded... but gosh, there are so many things I realized that I don't even know about, just from the simple fact that there are a shit load of people in this world. You think you know everything, or at least a little bit of everything, without having to experience it or even know the depths of it, but you don't know shiiiiiiit!

Anyways, back to the topic. Now, if being gullible can make you look like an idiot, wouldn't it make the person, who is lying, less credible as an honest person? Wouldn't that give you an idea of what kind or type of person you are talking to or met? Usually, when I meet someone, usually through friends, you ask the same 3 questions to everyone. What's your name, where are you from, and how old are you. If you lie to me, of course, if it's really obvious, like if you say you're from Uranus, or your name is Anita Dick, and you're a 40 year old virgin, I usually just smile, laugh a lil bit, and move on. I just stop asking you, because I know you're not taking me seriously. To me, that is a bit insulting. If you can't even answer simple questions like that, what else will you or are you going to lie to me about? How do I know you're not just trying to play with my mind, thinking you all slick, or whatever? Oh, it's just so fun to lie to people you don't know! Oh, I'm so smart, they believed me! OMFG... I don't care! Wait, what's your name again? Oh, yeah, I don't care!

That's just stupid... It's not like I'm trying to be nosy, asking about your love life or whatever, I could just stalk you... on facebook and myspace. Why would I even ask you those questions if I just met you, anyway? Iono, people are just stupid... if someone genuinely wants to meet you or trying to be nice to you, shouldn't you have the decency to respect that? Straight turn off... I honestly don't find a reason, why you should lie. I mean, if you didn't want to answer the question, then tell me, don't make some stupid shit up, to make you look cool. It just makes you so fcuking stupid and annoying, and not worth it.

Would U rather be "gullible" or a fcukin liar?

U feel me?

One of my friends told me that you will always love a guy... (from a straight girl's point of view)

That, in your lifetime, your entire love life, you will still have love for him... regardless if you're in a relationship, in a marriage, or became a nun? You will throw it all away for him. Your heart will still beat for him. Your mind still daydreams about him. There are still the "what if's." No matter how shitty he treated you or how invisible you were to him. He can be your ex? You crush...? An infatuation? It's that spark that is still there...

Is that true?

Well when she said something about it, I thought about it. In a way, yeah, I guess... I still think about this guy once in awhile. Rob, that's his name... he's a player. He's a slut, a man slut. He likes the attention, he's pretty fcukin hot, he got game, he can pretty much melt any girl's heart. He'll tell you all the things you want to hear. He'll fcuk you and forget about you... nail and bail? Of course I am aware of this, not that I was stalking him, it was just that, girls have warned me about him, I have seen him in "action," and I just know how he is. I haven't had sex with him. But I know plenty of girls who did.

Whenever we hung out, there was always this connection between us, but both of us never initiated sex. We took things slow, yeah we made out, but that's it. Not that he isn't into me, and that I wasn't into him, but he knows a family member of mine. Yeah... I don't fcuk with that. It wasn't love at first sight, it was much more like, attraction at first sight?

Earlier on the day that I actually met him, I saw him across the street, while my friends and I were walking to the mall. We didn't make eye contact whatsoever. He was with his boiz, I was with my girls, and I checked him out. Hell yeah I did, he was HOT! I didn't stop and say hi, we just walked off, with a glimpse. That night though, we ended up to be on the same floor of the same hotel. I was in Texas for the weekend. Yeah, what are the fcukin chances?! But anyway, we officially met, in the hotel, and we parted ways.. only to see each other again at the club/bar. I think we ended up drinking and dancing together, til the night was over. My girls and I went to an after party, and eventually I met up with him... since we were both on the same floor. We met up, me and my girl, and him... and I just threw up on him.

YUP... I threw up on him.. lol and passed out on his bed, on him... my girl was trying to take me back, but I seriously could not move. I was THAT wasted... when I woke up, I was still drunk as fcuk!... He didn't try anything on me either. WOW... seriously WOW. Ever since then, ever since that event, we saw each other once or twice a year, for 2 or 3 years? We're a part of greek life, and we usually hold events together. We never talked on the phone, it's just that whenever these conventions or events happen, those are the only times we see each other. We don't plan it, we don't know if any of us are going to be there, but we just go. And we eventually, we do see each other at the same club, or at the same hotel, and we'll just spend time together, drunk or high.

We'll make out, we'll talk, we'll spend the night together, awake... without the sex. Yeah, I still think about him, and no, I don't catch him hitting on girls or whatever, but I know he does. I know his character. All those nights spent together, we do talk... not everything about his past, but enough to know. I hear it from my girls, I hear it from girls I don't even know. But they'll warn me anyways. I hear it from guys, too. I don't care though. He wants what I want, and we have that connection there. Maybe I'm just stupid, but no guy would want to be alone with a girl, without trying to get some. He already had so many chances to do so, but we just don't fcuk. We talk and fool around...

It's been about 2 years since I've last seen him. It's been less than a year that I've last talked to him. We talked online once in awhile? We talked on the phone some of the time, not lately though. He did ask me out, I think he wanted a relationship, but I know I couldn't. I know he's a player, he's a junkie, so what makes me think that he's not gonna fcuk me over? I know me, and I know him... if he wanted a relationship, I want it to be serious. I want to actually give it a chance, cuz I don't want to fcuk things up with him. Unfortunately, I'm not ready for that yet, and neither is he. So in a way, I am glad we never had sex. I am glad that we never dated or went out, cuz even though there might not another chance in the future, at least there is a LIL chance.

Maybe he's that guy that I will always "love." I still think about him once in awhile. Yeah, there are the what if's... and there are the daydreams, there's just no him. We live quite far apart to let things happen in the first place. I think that was our initial reason... we just live too far from each other to maintain the relationship. Now, I don't know if he's still wherever he is, or if he moved to somewhere far... maybe one day, we'll see each other randomly. We got facebook... lol but I ain't that desperate like that. I'm just going with the flow.

I don't know if he knows how I feel, because I never really told him. My guard was always up, he told me how he felt, kinda... and I guess he felt like he was rejected? I dun kno.. I'm down to give it a shot with him though.... maybe not sometime soon, but eventually?...

I wanna fcuk. OMFG I wanna fcuk...

I haven't seen my man for more than a month now and I'm horny as fcuk! I'll see him this weekend though... and I dun think we're going to be doin anything, but fcuk all day N fcuk all night... food N sleep in between, but we're going to fcuk! I'll be there for a few days, but I miss him so much and I miss dcik so freakin much! This is starting to sound dirty, I know, but I can't wait!

Now I kinda know why guys get horny or think about sex all the time. Most girls do, too... but guys are so obvious about it. You can literally catch dudes checking you out. Looking at your chest, or your butt, or something! You know they are fcukin looking!

Anyway, so I never see my boyfriend, and from the last entry I posted, things haven't changed. He still hasn't been calling me all that much even though we argue about it all the time, and I think things need to change. I'm seeing him this weekend, and after I fcuk him, the relationship is over. Yeah, it's a bit wrong isn't it? I guess... but if it's not working out, it's not working out! I've told him about my problems, he said he was going to try, he made these promises, and basically, actions are much louder than words. I even warned him that I wasn't gonna look back this time, if I decide to leave, I'm going to leave! Maybe he isn't taking me seriously, but I'm getting tired of it. It gets old, ya know. It's not even like I'm asking for something HUGE, I'm just asking him to call me or text me. I mean, isn't that a given, in a relationship?

He knew I didn't want a relationship, but he kept insisting that things would be different, from the rest of my exes. I had bad relationships. I guess it is my fault, for not building enough will power to cut him off, but he was so sweet and we went through so much together, why not? Even though I "swore" off dudes before I went out with him... he knew about my situation, but he just kept insisting that it'll be different. We've only been together for 4 months? But within those 4 months, and BEFORE we got together, we went through a lot. I gave a lot of me to him, I let my guard down for him, and everything he wanted me to do, I've done for him. Things that I don't do for my exes... like LET GO of me?

Whatever, I'm over it. I can't wait to be single! Yeah, I might be lonely at times, but I already feel like I'm single! I haven't been single for more than a month since sophomore year, of fcukin HS! So I haven't been single for more than 6 years? I just have some what long term relationships... is it sad to say that I use them for sex? Emotions do develop, feelings are there, but most of the time, they are just there for me to fcuk. It's that over slutting myself around and trying to hook up with every guy in the room, when I can just fcuk one guy without even trying. I'm horny, he's there! I like to be physical, with my boyfriend... there has to be a connection, or chemistry, or attraction between us... or it's not gonna happen. I love to touch and feel.. I can't exactly do that with people I'm not attracted to, and I am pretty fcukin picky.

I know, someday, I would be taken, eventually, but as of now, I'm trying to enjoy life and keep my life on track. Maybe fix myself a little bit more instead of chasing dudes...? I just feel like all my relationships have been so fcukin retarded,  and I'm a little tired of guys right now. You can say it's the same with girls, too, but why is it when you meet a person, that person doesn't turn out to be who you thought he/she was? Not right in the head? A tad psycho? Somewhere around that area?

I'm not swearing off dudes totally, cuz I need some lovin, too. But NO MORE RELATIONSHIPS PLEASE! Keep it "classy" and keep the ho on the down low... I knoooooooooo... not all guys are the same, and I shouldn't give them a chance jus cuz of my past.. but I don't think it's even about that. I think it's just me, I want this, and I've been in relationships so long, that I don't know how to be fcukin single! FCUK it, yeah it's a lonely world out there, but it'll feel so fuckin good not to answer anyone, no obligations.. ohhhhh snaaaap! dun hate =p

I'm jus down to fcuk... and NO, I'm not a slut, I'm a man! hah!

=p